


So take a look at me now.

by skyblue993



Series: Jonnor oneshots [36]
Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Feels, Future Fic, Jonnor - Freeform, M/M, Sad parts, Song fic, mention of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-10 18:14:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7855891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyblue993/pseuds/skyblue993
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Title of this fic by the song : "Against all odds." By Mariah Carey.</p>
    </blockquote>





	So take a look at me now.

**Author's Note:**

> Title of this fic by the song : "Against all odds." By Mariah Carey.

Jude stepped into the small cafè with hesitant steps.

His heart felt stuck in his throat as he looked around himself before sitting on a stool.

"Hello." The lady said from over the bar, She gave Jude a small smile.

"Do you want to order?" 

Jude shook his head as he threw a brief, hopeful look at the main entry.

He gave a resigned breath before saying with voice sad and extremely low pitched. “I'm actually waiting for someone."

##

 

"Okay." He sighed for the endless time that day as he fought to find the courage to send that message.

He knew he had no right to do that or write those words in the first place but as his family said to him when he asked for an advice, “You need closure." So Jude took all the courage he could gather and opened his heart completely writing in that letter-- DM, maybe was the most accurate word--- all he needed to say to his former best friend and boyfriend.

"Hey Connor.

It's me. Well, you'll probably figure that out by my name written above. *giggles awkwardly*

There's so many things I want to tell you, so many things I want to explain to you. It's driving me crazy, you know, be unable to reach for you.. Holding your hand and just talk to you.

I totally understand your reluctance to talk to me, I kind of deserve it in a way.. You wanted to try, to fight harder for us and I definitely didn't make things easier for _us_ to achieve that purpose.

I miss you and I missed you back then. 

Everything was falling apart and I just needed you in the most selfish way and when you, legitfully, couldn't make it because of Soccer practices and other stuff I got mad and resentful at you for moving away, which is crazy because I specifically encouraged you to go because I loved you and now, twenty two years old me thinks that's the best decision you could ever make.

Don't be mad at me but I admit that I'm basically lurking on your Facebook account Because Even though I've been selfish in the past, it might sound a bit creepy but I just want to make sure you're happy.

You seem very happy at UCLA, joining sport and you've even joined a band.. Wow, Connor Stevens guitarist.. Who would have thought.

I'm glad. I really am.. I'm fine too, if you're interested in knowing how I'm doing.. I'm fine, life's good, I'm attending UCSD and I'm close to my family.. I'm not dating anyone, you know, if you were wondering --probably not.

Well.. There's so many things I want to tell you, Connor.. So many things that I can't just say through DM. 

You don't have to come but I'd like to meet you for a drink or something. I'm in LA for the weekend and there's this pub very small and cozy. So if there's the smallest chance for you to attend this, little reunion.. I guess, I'll wait for you and I'll know that there's the chance, even slightest that we could talk about what we had.. what has been ruined.. I'll be waiting for you at 9 PM, tomorrow night. I'll send you the address.

I (hopefully) see you tomorrow then.

Bye, Connor."

He hesitated for a moment, his feelings taking in with a brutal force through his whole body.. He moved his finger further on the keybord until it was freezed midair on "Cancel." 

He closed his eyes, fighting back the tears that miserably started spilling down his eyes.

he took a deep breath through his nose, sniffing softly as he pressed the button.

_Message sent._

####

 

 “ _How can I just let you walk away_ _  
__Just let you leave without a trace_ _“_

 

The voice of the female bartender snapped him back from his memories as she leant with her elbows against the counter, her voice bright and curious as she asked him.

"Someone special?"

Jude honestly didn't know how to answer that.. Yes, Connor was special.. He was probably more than special..

_"Someone unique."_

The girl smiled as she shook her head.

"Young love." She sighed dreamily as she poured one glass of beer before handing it to Jude.

"You make me feel nostalgic. Here, that's on the house."

Jude smiled as he took the glass. He thanked her before bringing it to his lips.. He probably needed something that could help him cool down the anxiety running down his body one mile a minute.

He probably needed more than that to get over the fact that Connor wasn't showing up.

 Jude was losing his hopes. He could have thought that Connor was late because of traffic or maybe something came up But he knew Connor and this wasn't _him being late_.. Connor bailed on him, without even giving him an heads up.

He felt anger flare up from the pit of his stomach and that made him feel even madder Because He decided to not give his hopes up and in the end.. _He did._

"Thank you." He said to the kind bartender as he got up from the stool.  

"Going home already?" She asked with a pout that made Jude wonder for a moment if it was an attempt of flirting with him.

"Yes.. I'm tired." He sighed as he gave a polite smile. "And I'm done _._ "

He had just stood up from the stool when he was met by a pair of hazel eyes looking right at him.

He wasn't prepared for that kind of sight so he flinched backwards by reflex.

He glanced at the boy across from him with eyes and mouth agape.

"Connor." His name felt bittersweet on his tongue. "Hello."

"Hi."

Jude tried to not read too much into Connor's apathetic voice.

 _He came to see him_. _Years had passed_. They were different people and Connor.. Connor looked so mature and young at the same time.

His freckles, his nose, His perfect sandy hair.

It all stayed the same. What had changed was his look --and Jude assumed that factor had something to do with him. Thinking about it, his eyes looked the same, hazel like melted caramel and deep like the ocean but somehow colourless and that gave him the confirm Jude was looking for.

"You didn't have to come."

Connor snorted. The sound escaping his lips hit Jude's like a blow in the stomach.. It was raw and Mean.

"Are you serious right now, Jude?"

"You're late."

 Jude expected awkwardness and heavy silences, but he wasn't expecting this.

"I've been busy."

Jesus, Jude thought.

He almost ran out of that place.

"So.." Connor said with hollow voice as he gestured to some empty table. "Shall we?"

They sat down, each one at one end of the small table. Jude crossed his arms, looking awkwardly at anything but the boy sitting Across from him who didn't seem eager to chit chat with him. He got right to the point.

"I got your mail."

"Yes." Jude confirmed even if that wasn't a question.

"What do you want to tell me?"

Jude laughed for a moment, shaking his head in the motion.

"Jeez, why is this looking like a formal meeting?"

"Because." Connor replied without even blinking. "It is. Jude." 

Connor glared at him before continuing.

"I'm sorry if my question is rude and very direct but I need to know what made you contact me, like this, out of the blue after eight years because yes, Jude, it has eight years since the last time we saw each other.. Remember something?" 

 

 _“How can you just walk away from me_  
_When all I can do is watch you leave“_

 

Jude gulped, his gaze shifting on his hands.. Unable to keep looking at him without feeling ashamed of himself. He remembered. Of course he did.

" I won't let you make this seem like it's completely normal."

For the first time Connor's voice started to crack and his eyes losing that shield that had been depriving it from light. He finally looked like Connor.

"Connor." Jude's eyes started getting teary as he took a deep exhale of breath. 

"We were young and--"

"I loved you."

The past tense in Connor's words made Jude's heart leap inside of his chest.. 

"I--"

"I loved you, Jude. I've never loved someone the way I've loved you."

The sight of Connor's face got incredibly blurry as it got clouded by tears.. At every _loved, loved, loved_ , Jude's heart broke a little more.

"Don't cry, Jude." 

 

 _“Cause we shared the laughter and the pain_  
_And even shared the tears.”_

 

"I.." He took a deep breath as he wiped away some tears off his cheeks, taking a long look at the boy looking at him with accusation flashing across his eyes and at the realization of what was going on, Jude's body started trembling.. With something that wasn't quite sadness.

"You.. God, you make it seem like it's everything on me, Connor."

As he watched Connor's mouth falling open he wasn't able to hold back the flood of words to erupt out of his lips.

His tone was now bitter and extremely sad at the memory of that hard period of his life.

"Where were you, huh.. When I needed you?" He felt his eyes filling with tears once again but he kept going on his rant.

Jude had to let out those words weighting on his chest.

"Where were you when I sent you messages in the middle of the night whose I've never gotten a reply to? Where were you when You told me you were going to visit me and you bailed on me, texting me about it just the day before that? And.. I've always tried to not get upset."

He closed his eyes as he breathed heavily through his nose, the memories of those days would always make him feel like drained out of air.

"I've always tried to handle this in the best way possible and be the best boyfriend possible for you." 

He chocked as he opened his eyes and his heart leapt when he saw that Connor was as wrecked as he was.

"We were young and naive thinking that our love was strong enough to survive that But we were fourteen, for God sake. No one is that mature at fourteen, Connor. We found ourself caught between a rock and a hard place and we both made mistakes, we both let ourself carry in a situation way bigger than us. Regardless of the way our fourteen years old self loved each other, _we just weren't meant to be back then."_

 

“ _You're the only one who really knew me at all”_

 

"Wow." Connor breathed out as he wiped away his tears. "I.. I remember how much I used to hate you, for breaking up with me. I--" he trailed off as his eyes started getting teary again.

Jude made a risky move by reaching for Connor's hand.. He knew there was the 80% possibility of his touch being slapped away, but he still tried. He wanted to feel his skin.

He felt the corner of his mouth tugging up in a soft smile as he took note that Connor hadn't pulled away. He just flinched a bit, startled by the sudden touch before Jude felt his hand slowly relax in his own.

"Tell me about that period." Jude said. "I.. I want to know everything, Connor."

Connor nodded as he said.

"The moment right after, When I kind of sobered up. I got up from by bed and I started to Cut our pictures." 

Jude was prepared to hear this and despite he did exactly the same it still hurt to hear it. He tightened his grip on Connor's hand whose fingers with very surprise by Jude's account, intertwined with his own.

Connor kept looking at their joined hands as he said.

"I threw up right after." He confessed with shame filling his voice. Jude thought that there was no need to feel ashamed.. He knew better than judge him for that.

"My mom called me and found me in the bathroom. I Was sitting on the floor, my back against the wall as I.. I don't know.." He sighed as he looked away from their hands and finally to Jude.

"I don't remember a lot about that day but I remember the feeling of oblivion and heaviness of my head and.."

Jude wouldn't push him into saying more personal stuff but he wanted to.. He wanted to know every smallest detail of those days, find every resemblance with how he felt and how he'd dealt with it..

Connor's gaze trailed down on the palm of his hands and Jude saw it. He saw the cuts and his stomach closed off like a fist.

He felt like he was going to faint in any minute.. His throat felt dry as he asked him. "Did do you it, Connor?" Immediately realizing how stupid that question was. Of course he did.

Connor didn't reply. He just cried harder. His body was shaking so much that Jude almost got up and wrapped his arms around him, keeping him safe and whispering reassuring words into his hair.. He wanted to, but his body felt as shaky as Connor's. He couldn't move or breathe.. The words slipping out of Connor's lips were more than enough to destroy him completely.

"Yes."

_He did this to himself._

_He did it because I left him._

_It's my fault._

Jude was out of his seat in a beat, his legs were still trembling as he run towards the exit of the bar. 

"Jude!" He didn't stop at the voice of the blond boy chasing him outside.

 

 

 _“I wish I could just make you turn around_  
_Turn around to see me cry “_

 

Tears were running down his cheeks as he headed towards the bus station. He was crying to much that he didn't even realize it was raining so the tears blended with the raindrops as they fell over him.

The voice wouldn't stop calling him.

"Jude please wait. Don't go."

Jude found himself stopping, unsure of the reason, as he took deep breaths.. His heart was beating so fiercely against his chest that it made him feel a a physical pain in his whole body.

Connor approached him, stopping few feets away from him. His face was as wet as Jude's.. His perfect hair damp and messy by the rain. Even that, Connor managed to look absolutely breathtaking.

They looked at each other for the longest moment, their eyes meeting and locking as the rain kept pouring over them. Their clothes were completely wet but neither of them seemed to care.

"I can't do this to you."

Jude breathed out, his voice sounded pleading and raw as he spoke.

 "What do you mean, Jude?"

"What I mean is that I can't do this to you. Not again. Your cut yourself because of me." He ignored the feeling of his heart sinking as the image of those scars popped out in his mind. He would never forget it.

"I didn't cut myself because of you, Jude. You.. You were one of the most amazing things in my life; how can someone be so lucky to find a boyfriend and a best friend in only one package?! And then I lost you and _it hurt_ , Jude. I blamed you for doing it and blamed me for not being able to avoid it and _It hurt so much Jude_."

Jude stepped forward as Connor's body kept trembling, his legs buckling as he wiped off his own tears. His voice came out through a barely audible, wrecked breath as he said.

_"I just wanted that pain to go away."_

"Connor."

His arms encircled Connor's shoulders and he felt himself giving a loud sigh of relief when he registered Connor's arms wrapping around his waist.

" _Connor. Connor. Connor._." The need flaring through his whole body to say his name was unbearable as Connor's hands were gripping Jude's shirt so tightly, holding on to him, keeping him there and nowhere else.

The only audible sound was the sound of their irregular breath muffled against each other's neck as rain kept pouring above them.

 

 _“There's so much I need to say to you_  
_So many reasons why”_

 

"I.. God, I missed this."

Connor smiled against his neck as a loud laugh slipped off his lips, the sound vibrating against Jude's skin made him shiver.

"We're a mess." 

Jude was unsure if he was referring to the odds of standing there, together, after almost eight years.. Or to the fact that their clothes were completely wet and stuck against each other by the pouring rain.

Connor took a step back, looking at the boy across from him.

His eyes were clearer than he'd even seen, he trailed his gaze downwards on his nose where a small droplet of rain was running over it. He smiled as he reached with his thumb, quickly wiping it away.

Jude smiled at the affectionate gesture but his smile quickly faded away, turning into a nervous frown when he felt Connor's hand cupping his cheek, his finger gently stroking the short hair at the nape of his neck as he leant close.

Jude's eyes fluttered close as a small droplet of rain fell on his lips. The hand on Jude's cheek gently caressing his face as the moment of anticipation almost made him faint right there, under the rain, just the moment that preceded their lips to touch.

Jude heard a sound so low pitched that he thought it was just the wind, at first. Then he opened his eyes as soon as he registered that Connor lips hadn't touched his own yet and he heard that familiar warm voice, once again.

 The 22 years old boy in front of him, sounding like the fourteen years old boy he fell in love with..

"Can I?"

 Jude couldn't possibly hold back the laughter escaping his lips at that question.

"Are you for real, man?"

Connor laughed too lost into the happiness of that moment to realize that it looked like the classic clichè scene of a romantic sap movie. 

Before Connor's brain would be assaulted by any more doubts or hesitations, Jude pulled him against him by the soft fabric of his shirt were his hand was laced on and he kissed him.

He heard a soft whimper escaping Connor's lips, the moment their lips met, that made him feel shivers crawling up his spine.

It wasn't rushed or greedy like he'd imagined when he dreamt at night, scenarios like this, where he got to savour Connor's lips once again. 

The movement of their lips was slow and measured, almost careful.. Their hands were completely idle as they kissed; Jude's lacing through his hair and Connor's gripping the soft fabric of Jude's shirt while the other one were on his back, drawing slow circular patterns that calmed, somehow, the raging storm inside Jude's heart as he pulled away, catching for air.

"Wow." 

Jude's face lit up with the most blinding smile as he caressed Connor's cheek who leant into his touch, giving a soft sigh before closing his eyes.

"It was even better than I've imaginated."

"Well, thank you."

Connor smiled as his eyes slowly fluttered open, he gave a contented sigh as he rested his forehead against Jude's.

"We're wet."

Jude laughed. Loud and happy as he shook his head, fake disappointed dripping off his lips as he said.

"Way to kill the moment, man."

Connor's arms tightened around his waist and Jude found himself pressed against his chest, smiling widely at the boy holding him into his arms. They both would stay there, under the rain, just listening to each other's heartbeats and just.. _Be_ But reality kicked in and Jude sighed, in a way that couldn't be described as content, as he said.

"I should head back to the hotel."

Connor's eyes kept sparkling with happiness as he suggested, his voice filled with love and indescribable happiness.

"Or.. You could crash at my place for the night."

Connor laughed loudly when Jude's face turned completely red.

"So what do you say?"

Jude nodded his head against Connor's chest whose heartbeats were fast and loud.

"Yes. Okay." 

###

Jude woke up first.

He wasn't a light sleeper and it had always bothered him the fact that even the slightest brink of light would wake him up but since he was met with the ethereal sight of Connor Stevens, naked and peacefully sleeping next to him, Jude had nothing to complain. Infact , Saying that The previous night had been the best of Jude's life is probably a fuckig understatement.

 

Connor had brought him back to his place, a cute blush on his cheeks as they stepped through the threshold.

"It's.. Very small but I live on my own so.."

Jude shut up him with a kiss.

"It's perfect."

 _Like you,_ he thought.

The moment they settled for bed, Jude stepped into Connor's room.

"Hey."

The smile on Connor's face was too much for him to handle.

"Hey you."

"I just wanted to say goodnight."

The look of confusion on Connor's face was as cute as the previous one.

"Are you going somewhere or?"

Jude's frown was as deep as Connor's.

"I assumed my sleeping arrangement was on the couch.."

Connor rushed to him in one second, pulling him into a heart blowing kiss.

"You were wrong."

He kissed him and dragged him to his bed.

They kissed like breathing wasn't necessarily a primal need. It was hot and messy and.. Soon hands started roaming over their bodies and clothes were soon discharged on the floor.

"You sure?" Connor breathed against his lips.

Jude nodded before pull him down.

"I'm sure. _I want this,_ with you."

 

Jude watched him stir and after a brief moment Connor's eyes slowly opened and Jude saw all that.. _Love_ , inside of his eyes that gave him that fluttering feeling settling in his chest, warmth spreading through his whole body and face..

"Jude." Connor took him into his arms, gently stroking his hair as Jude hid his face into the crook of his neck.

"Shh. Hey."

Connor tried to soothe him but it was nearly impossible, Jude was sobbing and shaking against his naked chest and Connor was seriously getting worried.

"Hey.. Jude, I'm here. I'm here."

Jude sniffed softly before looking up. Connor's lips tugged up until a soft smile was flashing across his features.

 

 _“Take a good look at me now_  
_'Cause I'll be standing here “_

 

"I love you."

Jude's voice was scratched with tears as He uttered those words out.

"I love you, Connor."

"I love you too, Jude."

"We'll make it work this time." 

Jude couldn't agree more with that assertion. He believed in those words and he believed in Connor.. He had trust in them.

##

 

They made it work for the first few months Jude came to visit him and Connor would go to San Diego for the weekend and for _Thanksgiving_ . They put lots of effort this time and everything seemed going smoothly that until Jude's working schedule and classes became too hectic and Connor's soccer pratices and The rehearsals with his band took most of his time and it _all_ _felt too familiar._

"So you're not coming to San Diego?" Jude asked with irritation filling his voice, _here we go again_.. Jude thought as he tapped his foot nervously, waiting for Connor's reply.

"I.. I can't Jude. I want to, you know how much I want to. Maybe you can come this time around and I'll come to San Diego whenever I can."

" _Whenever you can._ " Jude repeated absentmindedly as he shook his head. _Unbelievable._

"You know what? It's fine."

Connor stayed in silence on the other end of the line, he gave a frustrated sigh before saying.

"It's not _fine_ , Jude."

"This is like eight years ago over and over again." Jude sighed sadly as he felt his eyes starting to sting.

"I can't put up with this long distance relationship any longer."

He closed his eyes as he heard a distressed gasp coming through the phone.

"J-Jude, don't. Not this again.."

Jude heard Stef calling him from the bottom of the stairs so Jude really had to hang up the phone.

"I have to go, Connor." 

"No." Connor cried out breaking Jude's heart in million pieces. "Jude don't go."

Stef called him again and Jude found himself Forced to say.

"I'll call you."

He didn't wait for Connor's reply, he just heard the sharp intake of breath escaping Connor's lips before hanging up the call.

##

When he told his moms they looked at him like their son had just lost his damn mind.

"I'm a grown up." He said with what he hoped was a reassuring tone.

"I'll call you as soon as I get there."

They nodded as they watched him step through the threshold, backpack on his shoulder and heart on his sleeves.

"He's growing up so fast."

He heard Stef comment to Lena as soon as he closed the front door behind him.

 ###

 

He stood there for few endless seconds, his heart beating loudly against his chest and fist froze midair, suddenly lacking of his courage.

He sighed and then knocked at the door for the first time. _Nothing._

"Weird." He muttured to himself.

He tried for the second time around and no one answered so Jude pulled out his phone dialing the familiar number .

"Jude?"

Connor's voice was as tired and wrecked as his was.

"Where are you?"

_"Where are you?!"_

Connor repeated the exact same thing with shock filling his voice.

"I am outside your apartment."

he heard Connor giving a hollow laugh as he cursed himself under his breath.

"Connor, Wh-"

"I'm outside your house."

Jude closed his eyes as he run his hand over his face.

"You got to be kidding me."

"You came to see me?"

"Of course I did." Jude replied with breathless voice. "Because I love you."

"Fuck.. Jude." Connor's labored breathing indicated that he was about to cry.

"Get the fuck here!"

"Wait for me."

Connor laughed, bright and happy as he said.

"I'll always wait for you, now get your ass here Foster."

And Jude did. 

The morning after when Jude finally came home he found him sitting on his bed Connor looked up from his phone screen and when their eyes met it felt like fireworks were exploding through their bodies.

Connor was on his feet in one split second and Jude was in his arms the moment after.

 _“And you comin' back to me_  
_Is against all odds “_

 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"I love you." Connor breathed against his neck. "I don't want to lose you again."

"Me neither." Jude said with glistening eyes, his cheeks warm and flushed.

"I can't believe you came here."

Connor smile was soft and relaxed as he countered.

"I can't believe you were in LA last night and.. _That night._ I'm so glad you were." Connor sighed happily as he run his finger over Jude's cheek.

"Connor."

Jude's voice was dead serious, he breathed sharply through his nose before saying.

"There's something I need to tell you, about that weekend and--." He trailed off giving a nervous laugh before saying. 

"I know It might sound like I'm some creepy stalker but I've kinda been lurking on your profile and--"

Connor laughed.

"I already know that, you wrote it on that  DM, remember?"

"Yes.. Um, but I've come to LA with the only purpose to meet you. It wasn't that random gateaway weekend in LA like I made it seem. It was more like chasing Connor Stevens gateaway weekend."

Connor bursted out laughing before kissing the hell out of him.

"You totally caught me."

####

 

"Are we really going to do this?"

"I think it's too late to back out.”

Jude's happy eyes fell on their joined hands, more specifically on their rings.

"I agree. I'm kinda stuck with you."

Connor laughed as he kissed him on the lips. His free hand reached for the keys in his pocket. He looked at the man of his dreams before fiddling with the keys in the lock.

The door opened and their eyes met again.

"After you.." Connor smiled lovingly with that same smile that never ceased to make Jude feel like he'd been blessed by a miracle. It's astonishing, the way it had always made him feel. _".. Mr. Adams Foster Stevens."_

 _..._ and how it always will.

 

“ _...It's the chance I've gotta Take.”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr :Skyblue993  
> Twitter. En_sky9


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